What a saucy smile
What a saucy smile
Listen up BBC NI or UTV as I have your latest ratings grabber right here.
Based on the tense atmosphere tonight’s Nolan Show had we could do a spin-off show called THE SITUATION ROOM. Not to be confused with the CNN namesake, this show would involve Stephen Nolan in front of a big white board with a marker. Over the course of three hours (yes we dedicate a whole night of tv to this) we have one topic. Obviously the pilot episode will be about flags.
Over the course of the evening we as a country have a massive debate in studio, over the phone, and twitter and by the end of it all come to one conclusion.
This will be seen as the popular choice of the people, all politicians will bow to it and BOOM, instant gratification for everyone.
Do NOT open your eyes during the opening titles because you’ll notice lots of knives in graveyards and immediately figure out how the movie will end.
Do NOT say to your friend ‘didn’t Taken 2 have a better rooftop chase in Istanbul’ during the rooftop chase in Istanbul.
Do NOT say ‘UPPA RA’ after one secondary character explains that an older character was once an army officer in Northern ireland during the Troubles.
Do NOT say aloud during the villain’s capture that it looks just like the capture in Avengers/Silence of the lambs.
Do NOT say to your closest friend ‘You realise that part of his face is ruined just like Two Face and look he’s walking all funny with his hair like the Joker’.
Do NOT question why to trick the bad guy they set a fake course to Scotland, when Bond goes to hide in Scotland, and his boss knows this.
Do NOT say out loud ‘this is like Home Alone’ because people will laugh at the movie and lose any serious note it tries to take for the next three scenes.
Do NOT think when he is handed that black box that there is a dildo inside.
Do NOT say ‘remember when they did this in Batman and that woman says I like your real name….Robin’ when that lady goes ‘Oh, we never formally introduced ourselves’
Do enjoy that Sam Mendes works better when he is doing aerial and shots in open space.
Do enjoy that Daniel Craig makes the best of terrible dialogue.
Do enjoy everything Javier Bardem does because it is the only good thing this movie has going.
Oh, and don’t remember that Tanner played the PM in Black Mirror. You know, the PM that fucks a pig.
Oh and then realise that the Adele theme makes far more sense after the movie ends.
One of the events announced for City of Culture in Derry next year will be a musical based on song by The Undertones. To speed along the process of this, I’ve decided to share some notes and sample dialogue that the producers will need.
Act 2, Scene 1
Majella enters stage right with some photos in her hand. Fergal is more interesed in finishing his fry.
Majella: Fergal you RAT.
Majella: I know what you’ve been up to you RAT.
Fergal: What about you going on?
Majella: Don’t look so surprised.
Fergal: About what?
Majella: You’ve been telling lies.
Fergal: Have I fuck.
Majella: It’s hard to wake up to your makeup so lets take off that disguise.
Fergal: Where’d you get these photos?
Majella: I got this picture from your sister there was writing on the back.
Act 2 Scene 3
Michael leaves Clare off at her front door. Clare enters the house and starts arranging furniture so that she can be visible on stage for the entirety of the next bit.
Michael: Shes got so hard to talk to though I can’t forget her name. She’s some to hold on to, but I’m not the one to blame. One way looooove. One way loveeeeeee. Just getting so tired of, one way loooveeee.
Act 3 Scene 4
Everyone is dancing at the formal, except for Michael and Fergal, each sitting at their respective tables nursing a Harp.
Fergal: where is she?
Clare enters in a stunning dress from Yellow Moon.
Clare: What do you want?
Fergal: Mon have a wee dance.
Clare: Right, but nothing funny you.
They begin to dance. The vitriol can be seen in Michael’s eyes.
Michael rushes over and grabs Fergal.
Michael: You, you, you.
Michael points at Clare
Michael: You want to know why I lost you You want to know what’s wrong with you, But nothing’s wrong girl you’ll feel so tough, Just lying here for me and that ain’t enough.
Fergal: I’ve got to love them all day not just a few, Got to love those pretty girls is what I’ve got to do
Michael: Oh yeah?
Fergal: Lets talk about girls.
Michael: Lets talk about girls.
Act 3 Scene 5
Michael and Fergal scrap , knocking over tables, chairs, hair extensions. They each dig one another in the stomach and fall completely winded. As they sit up, they look around at everyone staring aghast. Fergal lifts himself up then puts his hand out towards Michael. Michael reluctantly looks at his hand.
Fergal: Come on.
Fergal: I’m sorry.
Michael: So am I.
Fergal: Mon, let’s not get wound up anymore.
Michael takes his hand and rises. They both walk to the front of the stage. The curtain lowers behind them.
Fergal: You know something Mike?
Michael: What’s that fergal?
Fergal: I’ve think i’ve learnt something.
Michael: What’s that?
Fergal: Teenage dreams.
Michaels: Teenage what?
Fergal: They’re so hard to beat.
Michaels: Sorry, teenage what now?
The curtain raises. We’re now in a club. Everyone is kitted in tight denim jackets, stonewash jeans and DMs.
Fergal: I said COME ON.
Guitar kicks in, everyone on stage goes mad, the audience gets out of their seats. Critics cry with joy.
When I was in first year in school I used to have technology class last thing on a Friday. Because it was basically the weekend no one, including the teacher, give a shite about the class. One day I noticed another boy in the class named Christian was working at a belt sander with headphones on. I asked him what he was listening to whilst potentially losing his hand using a machine he had no clue about.
‘Aw Chris Moyles mucker. He’s wile good’
When I got home I tuned the radio from local q102 to 98.3 and heard what sounded like a chubby English man laughing. That radio never changed station from that moment. Every day it was homework and Moylesy.
When he moved to mornings it was a rummage through a drawer and me using an almost done in cassette player with radio tuner on the bus every morning with one hand on the fine tuner to try and keep signal.
When I went to Uni I took a massive interest in student radio. Why? Moyles.
I followed the man through his ropey show on Channel5. Bought his book even though I’d heard his story every day already. I donated money from my miserly pocket more than the usual pound for a plastic nose because he demanded it.
I listened to him through my formative years and paid more attention than I probably should have, but today lying in bed watching his last breakfast show I do feel quite sad as part of the morning routine is taken away for a fresher model.
At least he isn’t as fat as when he started.
Yesterday as I stood in work talking to someone I felt a part of my identity evaporate. As the gent swapped pleasantries with me I ended our exchange with ‘thanks mate.’ Mate. Mate? Mate. This word was never in my vocabulary growing up. Everyone was my mucker, muck, mucks or muck-ah. Never mate. Oh mate. Mate I have a problem.
Has the Derry been escaping my body without me noticing? Its still an icepole you Feirste fools, there is no stick on it. I still know what a ci-ar is. I still think everything is brillHiant. Where is my real Tayto and my medicine (my Football Special)?
Oh city of culture have I turned my back on you?
We used to be such muckers too.
One of the worst problems of the modern man is that of the ill put summer cold. Now granted it is raining like buck out, but the cold itself brings along a problem that isn’t to do the body’s deficiencies but rather its replenishment. As we all know having a cold reaches a problem point quite severe. That problem happened to me on my way home from work: EXTREME HUNGER OF EVERYTHING. As I got to the Mace I needed EVERYTHING. That big bag of Sensations? Right here beside me in bed. That double of cookies on offer? Well the second one will need cracked open soon. Those 89p brandy balls that are your medicine? Yes they will heal me. That tub of Ben& Jerrys? Well we are in a Mace but I am never paying 4 bucking 50 for that.
But yes yes all this will suppress my hunger pangs as a I walk back to the house sniffling in the pissing rain. That is until I turn in to my street and the phone box in front of me brandishes the most deadly of signs: KFC AD! Oh sweet lord I need that fried chicken in my veins. And it is 1am. And I’m just standing staring at it, and my feet are soaked and I just know I won’t have the colonel to tuck me in tonight.
Today I did something I would never usually do and ventured to the Balmoral Show. I had a day off and thought having a look at what the local agriculture scene had to offer would be a nice change. I tout myself as a city boy and naturally after walking through the various tourist stalls, singing farmers CD shops, burger vans and tractors I ended up in the food tent, or rather the absolutely packed food tent. It had a great sense of vibrancy and all food on offer was for the majority fantastic.
After walking around enough times to get weak ankles from pram attacks, I found myself just standing at staring at these farmers having their sheep judged. Even though it was lashing down and children were crying as a man dressed as a dog ran by I began to see a sense of pride in these men as they stood for photos, smiling profusely as the rain battered at their faces.
It was then that I began to look beyond the outer onion of this show. As I peeled back the layers of perceived tackiness too easy to mock (the country music stalls, fairground rides, toy tractors) I realised that this for the most part was a serious thing for people. Walking along stalls set up by McDonalds and Sainsburys I seen long queues of farmers trying to get new business. Those farmers having their animals judged were putting their stock before themselves. Many stalls in the food court were hammering home the fact they were local and how lucrative that new Tesco deal was proving and how it needed to work.
Somewhere after my fourth circle of the food tent, looking at the prized poultry and taking part in a kids Olympic test I felt happy to have come. I walked back through the grounds and left feeling glad I got to peer in to a side of local life I would not even bothered with.
Even though the show seems to serve the sole purpose of making money, I was left thinking of a problem it will surely face after reading about the proposal to move the show to The Maze. I had no idea when I woke up that I would go there, but I did because it was here in the city. In the future it probably won’t be and not out of ignorance, but merely by resource a lot of people may not see it in such prevalence.
Plus, when is the next time I get to see a Llama?
News today on the front page of the Irish News says that MLAs have amassed a total of £230,528 on printer toner cartridges in Stormont. While this is seen as a shocking amount, most papers a few weeks ago talked about how all Assembly members have received an 11% pay rise. Attached to most reports of this story was the fact that they were also trialing the use of iPads in Stormont in the hopes it will reduce paper usage.
This trial seen Stormont spending £7000 on 13 iPads. That gives a rough price of £538.46 per iPad. This is near the RRP of a new iPad with Wi-Fi and 4g (£579.00).
If Stormont were to go ahead after a successful trial and each MLA got an iPad (each MLA is currently entitled to two desktop computers and two laptops) the potential cost would be £62,532 (RRP) or £58,154 (based on the trial price).
With a difference of £172,374 between the printer cartridge cost and potential iPad cost, and the level of flexibility and functionality an iPad is seen to give, it remains up to Stormont to figure out two things: Would going fully digital be beneficial, and how much money have they been wasting on paper?
Here is the highlight of my day in the cinema.
Co-Worker: Why are we showing Transformers?
Me (already knowing this): Are we?
Co-Worker: Yeah. Do you know why?
Me: No, I don’t.
Co-Worker reaches over to lift phone.
Me (whilst phone rings): Oh, I know why.
Me: Because It’s a movie.